The Power of Being Wrong

There is absolutely nothing with saying, being, or living the fact, that you're wrong. But, there is something absolutely wrong with not admitting you are, in any context. I'm more guilty of the latter, until now. No it's not the impending rebirth of Christ, or spiritual growth during my commitment to Ramadan this year (Omar Sharif, the Christian, I tried). No it's more so, the idea that we all have chapters in our lives, and i felt life fold the page on me. And not in a fuck-you way, more like fuck-me way (no-diddy) that culminated in thought. Have you really tried to be you? You can play old (and i mean old, HS shit) music....or can you not be afraid to grow? The growth is de-aging in and of itself, because you get back to old patterns, old approaches, and at times old ways of looking at a younger self. That is a gift. It's not a mirror, it's a time machine, because (dementia aside - discord joke) you can remember yourself at a certain age by the creativity you displayed. Art is, in and of itself, a representation of a moment in time....be it recorded, painted, or filmed...I digress. All to the say this, sometimes we were wrong in our art. Wrong paintbrush. Wrong reverb. Wrong angle....yet that can be so right, at another time. To that point, i'm going to resurrect the imangitive creativity we once oozed, not for anyone else to feel like we are rising from the dead, but more so, that it's mere presence can ressurect a certain self, we may feel, has another life. Don't chase the egg this weekend, just finish your breakfuss. (Or don't cry about the runny yolk)! Happy Easter, O

Tale of Two Personas

Hey young World, Life has been interesting....to say the least, although I'm sure we can all say the same from our individual perspectives. For me, it's been a tale of two personas: which either sounds crazy or mysterious. On the one hand, Feez is finagling with the finality of fading to black. On the other, Omar is befuddled with the burden of the the bourgening presence he has to have on life for the first time in quite a while. It's both tittilating and terrifying...kind of like sex for the first time: You want to be good and stand out, but not fuck shit up and make things worse. All in all, I'm enjoying the transition...it's making me deal with life in a way that I haven't truly confronted in a meaningful way. That contrast of Egos has subtly highlighted the dichotomy of my adult life: is what you see what you get? Or is there a deeper soul behind the brash bravado? Not being able to hide behind the shield of Feez, has made Omar both more of himself, as well as more unsure of who he is....which as one typing all this makes me ask, who am I? Nonetheless, Omar is becoming more sure of his ability to function, communicate, socialize, and be himself without the need for Feez. (By Feez, the need to drink alcohol to feel comfortable expressing himself openly.) He's making strides, but in the vein of a man who woke up from a coma and is trying to figure out which life task to tackle first, and more importantly, how to tackle that challenge. He's motivated, sure, but motivation without a plan is just a undirected purpose. He's talking to his daughter more, and that has helped his psyche. The irony of it all, is his inability to deal with his sociological impediments led to Feez, and while he accepts that, he struggles with bearing the burden of being what he felt he needed Feez for. As far as Feez, he's taken well to not being able to Feez. He doesn't bother Omar with requests to have a night to drink, or to gain attention for what he once was as often. In my opinion, Feez is finally understanding that he'll always have a history, and that his legacy is tied to what Omar does moving forward. It is as if he is at peace with what he meant to Omar, and he just wanted that acknowledgment. Ironically, it's so not like Feez to show that level of understanding and perspective. As far as me (who am I?), I'm finally at a good space regarding navigating these two. They were never 2 sides of the same coin; Omar's shyness and social awkwardness led him to rely on drugs and alcohol, which led him to develop a personality he called Feez. And, for a while they were able to maintain a life because their interests were aligned; college was a blast for the 2 (although every woman Omar dated called him; "moody", "like 2 different people", and, my personal favorite, "an improve actor who never ends the scene".) For what it's worth, I'm aptly positive about how things are going, and to that point, want to commend both Omar and Feez. They both recognize the power in the present, while remaining presently aware of each individual impact to the collective. I expect this to synergize even further, as the age of Omar is the one constant both seem to remain aware of. (What's the saying? Time heals all wounds?) In my desire to manage these two personas, I created myself, to maintain a certain autonomy of egos, while managing synergy of like-minded people, places, and things impacted by having a dual-mind. Omar is too lazy, stubborn, and lackadasical to that; Feez is too impulsive, eager, and selifish to be trusted with that task as well. In closing, the transtion is going well. I just have to come up with a name for myself. Hmmm?

Journaling for Me

Oh, God. It's been a minute. I don't even type the same, Mavis Beacon seems ages ago. But, a good friend told me I should journal. I told him I don't write...but then i remembered this space, and appreciatively agreed. In alot of ways, you're the same Omar who started this Blogger, before AGI was a threat blossoming on the digital horizion...hell, before clout was a currency. Why are you the same? Figuring that out...but in the year of our Lore 2024, I'm glad this space still exists (thought I'm not surprised). I"m the same nicca that made great babies, memories, content, friends and catch-phrases (respectfully). Plan to continue to be great, no matter whom it may concern.

Been a minute. Hope all are well. Second of all...I forgot about this medium. Time to win. Yurp, O

The Perpetual Divide

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities. I read this book for the first time, I believe way back in middle school. What does America represent now?

Last Call

Been ghost for a spell...just reflecting.

I've been an alcoholic for awhile now. Most of the time I've denied it. Felt I was in control...that I was "functioning".

All the while, my downward spiral was growing, to the point that I was losing everything that I should have felt was important:
My Friendships
My Family
My Job(s)
My Freedom
My daughter
Myself.

Chaos became routine. Recklessness a way of life. Responsibility an after-thought.

So voluntarily (somewhat) I'm stepping back from everything and taking as much time as I need to confront my demons and focus on getting healthy.

I'll admit, it's a bit scary. When your life has been consumed with living a certain way it's hard to fathom an approach that is a complete 180 from the mindset you've had for YEARS. But the costs of depending on alcohol and drugs the majority of the time just to live day-to-day have become toooooooo much of a burden.

It's going to be a struggle, a battle, a conflict of epic proportions. But whatever it takes to regain control is worth any sacrifice.

I'm disappointed that I allowed myself to even get to this point.  But it's time to take things serious and get the proverbial monkey off of my back while I still can.

I thank God for His grace and mercy, and am wholly glad that in spite of all the ridiculous situations I've put myself in, I'm still alive and able to commit myself to bettering myself. I could have been dead a long time ago all for the sake of something inconsequential. Time to do better.

To those in my life who have been along for the ride, I'm glad to have you in my life, and I know I'll need the support while I'm rebuilding my foundation.

To those I've lost...it happened for a reason. Thanks for the experience.

And to the "life" I'm leaving behind, I can't lie, I enjoyed your company...I've had moments and memories of uniquely crazy fun that will last a lifetime.

I don't know what the future holds...but I can say that finally, the days of living like a Rockstar are over.

Sobriety used to be an insane and profane word to me.

Now it's gotta become a way of life.

Let's have a toast for the assholes,

O

2011

what up, World?

i know its been awhile...been busy...living. Time for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
the good: 28 Grams will be out soon! i havent released any music recently, so i'm stoked to see how the folks react to this project. i can honestly say i'm EXTREMELY excited about this mixtape...so i hope the response fits the excitement.
the bad: i'm still single...Nuff Said.
the ugly: i'm working on The Calibration (my follow-up to The Balance, my first official album) and so far i'm 12 tracks in, and i can honestly say this joint will be EPIC! This is ugly because, well, it's gonna change things for the competition...in a major way. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? (ha!)
Needless to say, big shoutout to my manager and my big homie D.I.G., P.I.F. Records, the U.N.I.T., Chucktown What, and everyone who supports the movement.
Stay Tuned!!!